Words to live by..

Besides, tender sentiments with Dan really should be left in the "executive office."

I think the races should start at 10 on Saturday, and consist of unlimited laps until there is one boat standing. Some of the classics would last weeks. Squelches would perish and be consumed by boardmen. Replacement squelches would be stitched together from old beer cans, puke and pfisteria-ridden fish corpses floating by.

Did you see that bloated fish in the Chester over the weekend? We thought it was a clam marker until we got closer.

Clearly the real test is to enter the log canoes in the Volvo Ocean Race. Log Canoes around the world! You think you have butt rash now, wait until mile 29,000.

This will have to wait until I finish organizing my much-discussed Transatlantic Log Canoe team. The Island Destroyer will boast a centerboard that draws something like 75 feet, squelch-driven mule teams (with rubberized hoof coverings) to deliver beer kegs and whole roast pigs out to primary camps at the ends of the runway-sized boards. Tent cities in the bilge, captains quarters with full view of the hoardes of hand-picked maidens trimming the main on the outrigger perched out over the horizon.

Of course, the jib driver's quarters will be the fanciest of all. No beer, only the rarest of single-malt scotches served in there, where the driver surrounds himself with highly educated companions to discuss the theory and strategies of the global crossing.

sign me up for a TransAt log canoe race.